Admittedly I am a bit of a bah humbug when it comes to the British Christmas tradition of a panto visit – I try it every couple of years and have experienced by now various formats (pub theatre, adult and drag versions included). I do enjoy the festive cheer everyone else experiences around me but every time I leave thinking: Nothing personal, it’s just not for me really. The mini-reviewers – who have helped me this year immensely with my Theatre With Children category – are confronted however with a crasser bah humbug scenario: Their school doesn’t host a panto this year for their pupils – rude!
And so I am looking for something we could possibly all enjoy, and as we are a combination of serious Tinkerbell and Alien ultras, and I trust the Greenwich Theatre to deliver some cracking sailor puns and possibly some nautic naughties, we opt for Peter Pan.
And the Greenwich Theatre delivers: Wendy Darling, great grand-daughter of the famous big sister, works unhappily in nowadays London at Neverclean Car Wash when Peter Pan visits and both of them head in a dirty car powered by fairy dust and imagination to the fabulous Neverland. Here a show-stopping Captain Hook (played by playwright Anthony Spargo) has an identity crisis over his looming 60th birthday, and nothing rubs that in more than Peter Pan’s eternal youth. An innuendo-heavy journey on the search to the elixir of youth begins on one side of the story (parents equipped with wine and pint glasses might spit some out accidently about the ones about hooked plugs). In the other narrative, Wendy and Peter accompanied by a very argumentative Tinkerbell (whose Heelies have made it on more than some Christmas wishlist by now) encounter magic meals, forest creatures, a mermaid and even Yoda. Yip, the Star Wars one.
Meanwhile in the audience, darkness support teddies topple down plenty of stairs and need to be rescued, crisps are noisily munched and spilled, and the minors in our row appear to have all conspired to play a round of “I really need a toilet” and “actually, no, I don’t need one” and “okay, I try”. Well, at least we skipped the queue during the interval and have time to try out the pirates hats bought at the merch stall and use my new favourite insult “barnacle brain” whenever we can get away with it.
Instead of a ticking crocodile we get Polly the parrot, dance In The Navy, admire funky e-guitar riffs, a dazzling under the sea prom and a seriously well-equipped Tiki cocktail bar whose location we all want to know. There are visual references to what I can only guess is Roblox, and no endless “he s behind you”s, no dame, no faces in the dough bowl – at least not in the early Advent Sunday performance. The finale is a true surprise which will be heavily discussed on the train back this afternoon and shall not be given away here. Next year’s show is going to be Jack And The Beanstalk: “Please, can we come back next year?” Maybe I am lucky and the school panto gets cancelled again next year, I catch myself thinking… I think I just found a panto even I really like. Well done, Greenwich!
***** out 5 stars
Peter Pan – A New Pantomime Adventure was written by Antony Spargo
Playing until 11 January 2026, tickets from £18.50
Sadie takes the Stage 